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 Betreff des Beitrags: Fun Thread
BeitragVerfasst: Mo 28. Jul 2008, 20:56 
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Habe ich zwar im alten Forum schon mal geposted, aber damit sie ja nicht verlorengehen:

Scousers in Heaven
St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath.
"They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty?" says God.
"Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-

"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Bob replies, "No, the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool------------------------------------------------------------------------Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a poof".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Beckham was a poof and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........

"Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why are Liverpool supporters useless at making Pancakes?
Because they're all useless tossers

Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos?
It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.

Q. Why can't you circumcise a Scouser?
A. Because there is no end to those pricks.

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence. One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work, to which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's stopped...no, it's OK...stopped again..."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!-----------------There was a Liverpool fan with a really crappy seat at Anfield. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the Half-way line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Liverpool fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."--------------------------------------------------------------A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented: that was fucking fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?, "i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke. "well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter. "I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero, " I'm from Liverpool". "Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!--------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...------------------------------------------Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Scowser fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
They both have big heads and live in shit

What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!

What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

How do you make a scouser run faster?
stick a video player under his arm


1)
A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!"

2)
Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began?
All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets!

3)
What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding?
One less drunk!

4)
What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
"Big Mac and fries please!"

5)
Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.
They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world and the churches all have lead free roofs!

6)
What do you call a scouser with a job?
A liar!

7)
One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was 6 feet 8 inches tall and weighed at least 400 pounds.
A little later a short, skinny, obviously gay man walks in and sits next to the huge guy. After having a few drinks the gay man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he finished him off with bone crunching kicks to the head. He then left the faggot laying on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job!"
8)
One day two psychiatrists were walking along a river in Liverpool when they noticed a scouser floating along in a boat singing, "Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream......."
They instantly decided that he was crazy so they grabbed him, took him into hospital and removed 1/4 of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
This time they took him away and decided that the best thing would be to remove all of the rest of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Ferry, on the Mersey.........."

9)
Why do little scouse girls put fish in their knickers?
So that they can smell like big scouse girls!


Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.



Q: What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
A: The tea stays in the cup longer!



Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
A: The accused.



How did you enjoy your holiday in Israel?'
'Smashing!'
'Did you visit the Wailing Wall?'
'Yes - but I couldn't get anyway near it for the Arsenal supporters!'





Q: Why did God make Arsenal supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!



Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."



Q: What do you call 100 Arsnal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!



Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.



The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"



Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo



Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

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 Betreff des Beitrags: Re: Jokes
BeitragVerfasst: Mi 17. Jun 2009, 13:39 
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Sorry, vielleicht findet das keiner Lustig ausser mir, aber wenn man bedenkt, wie oft ich mit deutschen spreche/schreibe und ich jetzt so sehe, was für Wörter und Ausdrücke nicht versteht :D Wir hatten ja z.B. mal das mit dem Velo @stoney ;) Jedenfalls, wenn ihr mich mal wieder nicht verstehen solltet, schaut einfach mal in der Liste nach:
http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helvetismus

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 Betreff des Beitrags: Re: Jokes
BeitragVerfasst: Mi 17. Jun 2009, 16:08 
Scholes
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Ihr lacht euch auch schlapp wenn wir Brotzeitbox sagen :deutschland:

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BeitragVerfasst: Mi 17. Jun 2009, 19:03 
Cantona
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:rofl: :rofl: :clap2:

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BeitragVerfasst: Mi 17. Jun 2009, 19:18 
Law
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Ich habe zwar jetzt keine witze auf lager aber dafür jede menge bilder,

hier ein kleiner vorgeschmack


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BeitragVerfasst: Do 18. Jun 2009, 19:21 
G. Neville
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Nen grausligen Witz.

Zwei Freunde machen einen Ausflug in den Wald. Tag für Tag vergeht als beide merken, dass sie sich verirrt haben. Beide irren im Wald umher, bis sie ein kleines Holzhäuschen im Dickicht sehen. Sie gehen hin, klopfen an und eine alte runzlige Frau öffnet die Tür. 'Wie kann ich euch 2 denn helfen' fragt sie.
Die Männer antworten:'Können wir ein bischen was zu Essen und Trinken haben gnädige Frau ?
Sagt die Oma:'Ja, aber dafür müsst ihr beide mich mal ordentlich durchrammeln!'
Beide schauen erstaunt und stimmen zu. Der erste geht mit der Alten rauf und schnappt sich heimlich einen Maiskolben der an der Wand hängt. Die Oma zieht sich aus, dreht sich um und bittet den ersten Mann anzufangen.
Dieser nimmt den Maiskolben und besorgt es ihr voll von hinten. Paar Minuten später als sie fertig war, wirft der Mann noch schnell den Maiskolben aus dem Fenster und beide gehen wieder runter.
'So jetzt bist du dran', sagt der erste zum zweiten Mann !

Erwidert der Zweite: 'Nein brauch ich nicht, jetzt hab ich zu Gott gebetet dass er mir etwas zu essen schickt und schon fällt ein Maiskolben mit einer dicken Schicht Butter vom Himmel !

Mahlzeit !

Geilster Witz ever :D


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BeitragVerfasst: Sa 20. Jun 2009, 09:15 
Ronaldo
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Im Board auf der Offiziellen Seite gefunden
http://i347.photobucket.com/albums/p469 ... sprem1.jpg

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 Betreff des Beitrags: Re: Jokes
BeitragVerfasst: So 5. Jul 2009, 15:39 
Rooney
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Naja ich weiß nich genau obs als Joke durchgeht aber das hab ich gerade bei Youtube gefunden


BREAKING NEWS!!! Ryan Giggs and Fernando Torres' homes were robbed last night. 11 Premier League medals, 2 Champions League medals, 4 FA Cup medals and 2 League Cup medals were taken from Giggs house as well as 2 Club World Cup medals.
In Torres' home, his kettle and toaster was stolen!!!

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BeitragVerfasst: So 5. Jul 2009, 16:17 
Law
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Doch das ist schon ein Joke, nach britischer Art und Weiße :devillaugh:
Der ist sehr gelungen

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http://sz-magazin.sueddeutsche.de/texte/anzeigen/29912

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